As I hid from the world under my covers, I opened my Bible with hopes that I would randomly land on something that would force me out of this funk. I ended up reading the familiar story about Daniel and the lion's den. It felt almost remedial to go back to one of the first stories I learned as a child but because the word is alive, it resonated with me in a new way.

The translation I read gave more details about what the King felt rather than Daniel as the whole drama unfolded. It made me wonder what was happening in his mind. Even though Daniel did everything he was supposed to do, he still managed to find himself in the den. It wasn't punishment and God definitely wasn't the voice instructing the men who accused him but did Daniel know that he wouldn't lose his sanity there?

Daniel prayed as usual when everything started going wrong but what did his internal dialogue sound like? Was he cool, calm and collected like the childrens' books depicted him to be or did he feel the very real stress of being sentenced to his death?

When he was in the den that night, did he manage to close his eyes and relax, knowing that God would close the lions' mouths or did his nervous system enter fight or flight mode- dilating his pupils and increasing his heart rate in response to the very real threat in front of him? While he trusted in the Lord and watched the men shut the door, did he have any idea exactly how the Lord would rescue him from those hungry eyes and sharp teeth?

I pictured myself in the den and realized that my obedience doesn't always require my perfect composure. I like to think that maybe Daniel prayed with shakey hands and teary eyes like mine. Maybe as he worshipped, his breathing was a little irregular. Maybe even though he trusted God enough to still pray and believe, he didn't look pretty in the middle of it all.

I had been hard on myself about how I was feeling but I wonder if from a different point of view, I'd look like Daniel. Still fasting. Still praying. Still moving forward even though my heart was broken and my body was tired. Maybe the bags under my eyes wouldn't look like failure. Maybe feeling the gravity of the circumstances wouldn't cancel out what God was doing.

James 1:2-3 says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Is it possible to see good in the process while still recognizing immense discomfort? Can we trust God to do what He said and still cry through the process? I think we are allowed.

I believe he's with us in our grief and He has room for our rage. I believe our joy, our belief in His goodness and our tears can coexist. I believe that recognizing an impossible situation goes hand in hand with believing in Him to do the impossible. I believe that joy is not a feeling to be forced, but a heart posture that keeps us upright enough to lock eyes with Him in the middle of the chaos.

I believe that when we trust Him enough to bring Him our hidden unbelief, despair and unsavory feelings, He isn't disappointed, but he's proud of us for drawing near to Him. I believe that exchanging fear for His boldness requires bringing Him the fear first.

To the one who is pushing through a tough time, God sees your obedience and isn't deterred by what you feel. He sees you walking by faith even though your feet are tired. He's so proud of you and captivated by how you're still believing in His goodness even though it's hard. Keep going. He won't fail you or leave you here. It isn't in His nature to bring you into a tough place and abandon you. He's deeply invested in your victory. Don't give up now!